Bank of America Online

Bank of America Online Services – making banking free of human interaction is their dream. Bank of America Online plans to unleash a new kind of account, on that lives exclusively and will cost you money if you ask a teller to do some work, or want something in writing. For $8.95 though, you can ask a teller to handle your dirty, dirty money, or get a statement of how much you have, printed on paper that you can roll around on naked.

Actually, this bank sound better and better. Throw in a naked loan officer that will lash me with terrible, invasive fees and you’ve got yourself a new john… uh, I mean “client,” Bank of America Online!

Bank of America, like any other kind of sex worker, is just looking for new sources of revenue. Especially now that new Federal regulations limit how much they can charge for over-draft fees. Gone will be the $40 fee for a $10 over-draft. And if it has to steer customers towards cold, unfeeling machines that don’t even have nice curves you can ogle when they bend over to open the safe… what was I talking about?

Some industry analysts say this could end “free checking” accounts, since the penalty fees were what banks made their… well, bank on, so to speak. So, instead they will go more towards no-frill, monthly charge accounts. So if the big overdraft fee left hand don’t get you, then the monthly charges right hand will. Frankly, I’m fine with a regular monthly charge rather than being bitch-slapped every time I go over my balance by $3.00.

You can still talk to tellers so long as you have a question and aren’t asking them to do something weird, like dress up like your High School Drama teacher and run through the bed scene of Romeo & Juliet “just one more time.” No word yet on whether this will effect lending procedures for Bank of America online or off-. Prostitutes usually hate giving credit.